Sometime while laying the foundation for Allie's (that's the name of my new 16GB red iPod nano arriving tomorrow/Tuesday) music library last night, I arrived at the conclusion that I haven't felt happy much this year. In fact, if I hadn't met and made some true friends this year, I don't want to imagine how much worse the year could get. Thanks, guys <3

Listening to 'old' songs from bands like FM Static and Making April, which were two of my favourites back in Sec 3 - I came to the realisation that even though my grades sucked but I was, at least, happy. Getting closer to girlfriends like Chua, Cheng, Ethel, Eunice, Huixian and Tessa and having solid friendships outside school (Jerald, Jeremy, Hillary, Leon and the people I went to Bordeaux with) made busting my text limit every month worth the thrills and tears. I'm not saying there's a correlation between enjoying your youth and screwing up your academia but the trade-off needs to be worth it. I only did averagely okay this year but I can't even think of 10 moments when I felt really happy. Happy in spite of well, you don't need to know what. And that makes me feel really scammed. I haven't done much shit (to quote Vibz, to 'do some crazy shit so we won't be forgotten') this year cos I was busy trying not to flunk out and keeping meaningfully occupied. Well I haven't retained and I definitely did whatever I felt would justify my break (PW, 2 PDPs etc.) but man, I can't get no satisfaction. I'm not sure if it's the returning to SN to get my cert and seeing everyone busy packing up to move or what, but it's making me miss the old times badly. Keeping to myself, Orange Bowl and Iced Coffee, doodling on notes, writing sweet stuff in each others' diaries and on postcards, PA concerts, dancing on ice, listening to music together, moshing at MCR's concert, making a riot in the S'pore Flyer Capsule, birthday parties and personal time everyday on the bus ride home on 262 in my usual seat behind the bus auntie (who knows me and vice versa)... maybe it's me. Maybe I don't know how to manage my time well. But even if I worked on that, who's to say the people won't change? Holidays aren't enough to make up for lost time. I can go for a bunch of concerts with or involving my friends and hang out but is that going to bring us back to how things were? No. We can only try and try our hardest and all we're ever gonna get is a whiff of teen spirit (ooh Nirvana). I guess this is growing up. Well, that really stinks. No wonder I don't ever dare write 'forever friends' cos I hate making empty promises or promises that I don't think I could live up to. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a loyal friend and I work to maintain relationships with people that I treasure. I just don't want to feel like this only when I'm free. I don't want it to be a leisure reading/watching DVDs thing, something I can only do when I can afford the time. Especially when so little is left on the dial next year with all that is lined up in my agenda. Oh snap, I'm heading for an identity crisis. I can totally feel it coming: I don't want my school and social life to have such a big gap. I know they can't ever be one and the same but at least stop being such effing separate entities. I hate viewing external engagements as signs of life on Mars with TJ life occupying my universe and the people around me everyday having no clue how I was like in the last 2 years.

I don't feel ready to be a J2. But that's inevitable and we're all on course for it anyway. I really do hope next year will be a better year, that I'll meet people who will make me a better person. Someone who isn't snappy, discontented and perpetually entertaining evil thoughts. Yeah. Okay, going back to reading 'Conversations with the Fat Girl', sans Crunch and Whittaker's Fresh Roasted Almond Gold Milk Chocolate Bar. Yes, I'm going back to pleasure reading and listening to whatever I like to.

It's another 1.30 pm day again. A part of me feels guilty for sleeping in till the afternoon but another part of me wonders how tired I've been to crash till then and if I'm now well and truly rested. To say the week's been crazy doesn't even begin to do justice to how our sanity's gone round the bend and beyond and back again in the past five (feels like forever) days. Promo results, WR etc. Even the last few hours of my Friday night were fraught with drama over TIP. So before I work my brain at trying to recount the highlights of the week, let me just say "Thank you, weekend. Thank you for the good book, good music and good food. And above all, thank you for the miracle called sleep." I don't think I could tolerate another stress-borne zit.

Monday: We got back our Promo results on this day. The girlfriends, Andrea, Samuel and I had been dreading this day since we handed in our scripts and before I launch into the trauma of mark verification, I know I've written on the Walls on those who mattered but thanks again anyway. Not just for being with me during my breakdown in the LT (we all broke down at least once on Monday, actually) but for struggling with me before Promos and after it (PW, MCTs, JCTs, Prelims, As). I wish I could save every hug I get cos I sure do save encouraging SMS-es! Anyway, I improved across every subject, some more significantly than others but an improvement all the same. Happiest with GP (more than French actually) and least with Econs. I can't wait to mug hard (cos I don't feel like I've really pushed myself enough) this holiday and all of next year. Maybe the J2s going away isn't such a bad thing if it gives me more time alone to study in the strategic year. On the subject of graduation, Monday was also the J2's last day in school. We had our final coffee meeting in the marquee in the morning with more or less synchronised can-opening haha. Sorry for not being alive enough to participate, stayed up till 4 in the morning to do WR draft. First time ever. And to the Flash Mob Crew, even though most of us didn't freeze, thanks for generating an unusually high level of buzz in the morning. It certainly felt different from other mornings and I think that is pretty darn cool in itself. Call it incentive to wake up for school or whatever, that morning was exciting!

Tuesday: Cannot remember much except that CCW said TJ156's WR was 'the best he has ever marked in his life'. Naturally, we took it with a generous helping of salt. Like wheelbarrows of it. Was still feeling a teensy bit down over how average my grades were (sorry Jia-En and Jan, I know you guys hate it when I say this but I can't help the way I feel) but felt considerably happier thinking of Mummy agreeing to sponsor $200 for my new red iPod nano. I'm playing my part to help Aids-stricken victims in Africa! It was problematic trying to come up with something beautiful to engrave on the back but I think I've decided on 'And at that moment, I swear we were infinite'. From 'The Perks of being a Wallflower', which I am reading now.

Wednesday: More result verification. More WR improvement. Nothing that seared itself into my memory actually.

Thursday: PW concentration camp. Stayed back in school till 8 to do WR. I kind of regret not going to see the snaking queue at Zap... (I still don't know why there's an ellipsis). Went to Pastamania at Parkway Parade with Jan & Jia-En to celebrate afterwards. Ahh, Borders and the promise of good reads. Between Wednesday and Thursday, I've entertained so many evil thoughts and muttered so many expletives that I'm glad I'm a freethinker. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

Friday: WR nightmare. Burst into tears cos of frustration and fear when we were told that our WR was a late submission. Never seen Samuel the chocolate and Kleenex boy lose his cool before, quite scary. Had to submit an apology letter to CCW. He says no harm has been done. I certainly hope so, I never fuck around with things of importance such as national exams and I don't need a first. On the bright side, I have been shortlisted for intern-ship at SPH cos of GP grade. This after a panic-chased evening of missed phone calls and misplaced numbers (and my mum screaming at the staff of telecom). Yay :D

Saturday (today): Finish up Perks, watch Juno with Haagen-Dazs' Melon ice cream. Study Chinese the rest of the time but take some out to finish intern-ship application form.

& I still kind of miss him. I think I need to throw myself more into work and if there's anything I'm certain of, it's that I have plenty of that /:

First off - HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREA! You're right, whatever trivial woes I'm nursing don't compare to how much fun your birthday was :D i enjoyed Julia & Julie with you and Samuel today, even if you made Samuel and I wait for you while you had your birthday lunch with a couple of other friends. I feel like a surfeit of good films this week; (500) Days of Summer's still fresh in my mind then I went to catch J&J. My mum was shocked when she saw the ticket stub in my wallet, she went "TODAY YOU NO SCHOOL ARH?", fearing the worst (that I had played truant) and I distinctly heard the tone of relief in her reply. The next question was "DID YOU NETS IT?!", which I didn't because I don't want to cultivate the atrociously bad habit of continual withdrawals without replenishment so I keep my card out of sight altogether. Bright idea huh (:

J&J was pretty good, read Samuel's entry on it (the latest one) on his blog @ http://theonewiththebignose.blogspot.com/. I agree wholeheartedly with the bit about food porn cos my stomach growled when the chocolate cake scene came on. I'm still craving a slice of quality chocolate cake even now, Awfully Chocolate anyone? I can do with/without the almonds on the side! I prefer (500) Days though - only because they had no bad scenes. I didn't like 2 scenes in J&J - the Julia Child spoof which was just gory and well...YUCKWTFGROSS!! & the bit where Julia Child says she hates Julie Powell? I mean, c'mon, what was that? Not that I blame her entirely, I got a little annoyed with Powell when she had her meltdowns. I'm all for the endearing relationship between Julia & Paul Child (played by Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci) though - they're the cutest middle-aged screen couple I've watched in the longest, period. I teared at the Valentine Day Dinner they had (so glad the other 2 didn't notice haha) when Paul said, "It was Julia all along". So sweet right? And she responds by fluttering her red paper heart. I wanna throw a party like that some day when I'm married, make all the attendees don big red paper hearts too! I would kill for Julia's disposition, it's true when Julie said that Julia's never a bitch. Then again, anyone's temperament would be better with a husband like Paul, he's the sweetest ever. He sticks with his wife through all her endeavours, supports her wholly, shares her joy when she's happy and picks her up with words of encouragement when she's down. It's amazing, I'm not a sucker for love but it's so amazing how much chemistry they share despite their physical disparities - she's taller and bigger than him. No, I'm not having a 'Big Sue and Now, Voyager' moment -_- to wrap up, Streep FTW and Tucci too for not outshining her but being the perfect complement. Aww!

Oops, almost forgot - thank you Shiyan for my belated birthday present. The cake wasn't too bad and the cushion very huggable hehe <3